My four year old, Ray, is in swim lessons. His mom takes him most mornings, but I got to take him last Thursday. He’s now in Level 3 which means they are learning to tread water, swim away from the wall and back, and float on their back like a starfish for at least 10 seconds. The elusive starfish float still evades me to this day, so I was encouraged to see my kid not immediately sinking like a stone. 

As you’ll see, I didn’t know it until the end of the lesson, but Thursday was a big day. The class moved over to the deep end where old people usually swim laps and they were practicing in water 12 ft deep with their two coaches. Now by coaches, I mean two 18 year olds back from their first year of college. The girl coach seemed responsible enough but there was no way she could handle watching all 12 kids in 12 feet of water, especially while the boy coach was doing tricks off the diving board and flirting with her.  So I decided to move on over with them to the deep end and took a seat on some bleachers far enough to not seem like a helicopter parent, but close enough to save my kid when he starts drowning and the coaches aren’t there to save him because they’re busy making out with each other.

Anyways, like I was saying, Thursday was a big day and I found out by being within earshot of the class. As they stood single file waiting to take turns jumping into the pool, I overheard my son (Ray) start talking with a few other boys in the class, both much older and much taller.

Ray: “This is the weirdest day ever. We’re in the deep end the whole day? And we’re standing in a line!? Are you serious!?!”

Owen, another boy: “And we’re using kickboards!”

Toby, another boy:” And we’re like really close to the sea!” (our park is near a lake)

Ray: “Toby, you’re like a thousand years old. Are you serious right now?” (to be fair, Toby is at least a head taller than Ray, is 8 years old, and he hasn’t aged well)

And then like a bat out of hell, Owen jumps out of line for the eleventh time and runs straight for the water. On his way he slaps another kid on the ass, shouts “BOO YAH!” and cannonballs into the deep end like a boss.

On that note, here are some games and tips for parents who want to help their kids get more comfortable in the pool, ideally comfortable enough to dominate like Owen, but well enough behaved to know better.

“Here Fishy Fishy” – to get your kid moving around the pool on their own better, tell them they’re a fish and you’re the fisherman trying to catch them. Give them to the count of three to start moving away from you. On three, cast your imaginary fishing rod towards them, get a bite and start reeling them in and you repeat “Here Fishy Fishy.” Eventually you’ll catch up and catch the Great White or whatever you want to call them. Then give them a turn to catch you.

Coast Guard Search & Rescue – To get your kid to make progress moving further out in the pool on his own, pretend you’re drifting away from the steps and reach out to them for help. Kids love to play the hero and will love finding out they are the newest member of the Coast Guard Search and Rescue team. This one has worked really well getting him to feel more comfortable walking/swimming deeper into the pool. I always keep my eyes on them and each time try to have them come a little farther out each time. Then you can have them swim you back to safety, only to float back out to sea again.

Arghh, I’m diving for me treasure – To get them more comfortable diving down to Davey Jones’ Locker, it’s time to channel your inner pirate – Hook, Sparrow, or Somali. Get some pool toys and scatter them around the shallow end or kiddie pool. Pretend you’re a pirate that’s missing your treasure and you’ll do anything to get to it before they do. They’ll be scraping toys off the bottom before your peg leg can take the first step.

Election Day for the Mayor of Cannonball City – In Cannonball City, there is no left, right, liberal, or conservative. There are just people that do cannonballs and there can only be one Mayor. Take turns doing cannonballs and announce the results in dramatic fashion. You can have a vote, declare a winner, or if you’re a participation award kind of guy, you can change my rules and make it a parliament where everyone gets elected.

Don’t drink the water, there’s blood god knows what in the water ” – Shoutout Dave Matthews Band No matter how many times you tell them, your kid IS going to chug pool water. To help limit their intake, I’ve found that demonstration is the best way here. Get your kid some goggles, hold them facing you and go under together or let them dip their head in to watch you do it. They can watch you underwater with your eyes and mouth closed. Keep at it, but to reiterate – your child is going to chug a bunch of pool water and therefore have to pee constantly. This is further complicated by the next issue…

Is that pee or water running down your leg? – We get this question a lot from our 4-year old. When our he gets out of the pool and is standing on the deck he constantly thinks he’s peeing because he feels water running out of his suit and down his leg. Good luck figuring out the difference. 

I have to go poop…wait, I’m pooping my pants! Am I pooping my pants? – If your otherwise potty-trained child is having multiple almost “oops I crapped my pants” moments in the pool only to find out he really didn’t have to go at all, there’s a good chance it’s a wedgie from his swim liner. It took me pretty much all summer and endless trips out of the pool and to the bathroom only to find out he didn’t actually have to poop.

Don’t take your eye off them for a second – On a more serious note – I have a good friend, who shall remain nameless, that was sitting on the edge of the baby pool with his two year old standing in the pool literally at his side. He was talking to another dad so his head was turned away from his boy, who was drowning next to him in 18-inches of water. I was across the pool talking to some friends, including his wife who shot a blood-curdling scream across the pool. He picked his kid up and after a little cough and cry was alright.