Strategies for Dealing with your Children’s Meltdowns that don’t Involve Violence

Dealing with children’s meltdowns and how to avoid letting it ruin your/their day…

A quick preface: I’m Anthony, oft-friendly, dad of a 4.5 year old girl and a 1.5 year old boy. I’m trying my best over here, but I’m in no way a professional and please take my “advice” as tips and tricks from a well meaning person that learns by trial and error, error, error, error, one more error and eventual mildling success. I’m humbly submitting these hopefully-helpful tips and tricks for being a dad and hope you enjoy…

Pre-kids, I remember asking a friend with a 3-year-old the following question couched in a story, “I was at the grocery store and there was a 3-4 year old boy who was rolling around in the middle of the international foods aisle, knocking egg noodles and crunchy wontons to the floor and crushing them with a vicious leg scissor action. His near helpless mom was doing her best to physically and emotionally calm the boy, but there was nothing but rage and emotion in his eyes. It was all I could do to calmly and quietly back out of the aisle and wait to grab my soy sauce. The boy looked like he’d eaten an entire children’s size pack of bath salts. What the hell do you do in that situation?”

My friend sat back and pondered a response and I waited to lap up his parental wisdom.  That “wisdom,” came in the form of a single word; “Nothing.”

I pressed for more and he explained that when your child is so emotionally out of sorts and they’re acting that out of character, there’s literally not a single thing that will hasten the melt-up (is that the opposite of a melt-down?).  He only offered that it’s probably best that you pick them up and physically remove them from the situation, more for the sake of the wontons and your pride than for any positive effect it has.

4.5 years into my parenting journey, I tend to agree with my friend, but I would offer an addendum or two. I think there are some things that you can do to mitigate the effects of a tantrum. By effects I’m referring to not only your child’s behavior, but also your mental state during and after said tantrum.It probably sounds selfish and I am, but I parent better when I’m not hulk-level angry and my kids are better for it. WIth that in mind, here’s my 3 step process of dealing with your children’s meltdowns:

1. Weather the storm
2. Be nice!
3. Use the charm

You might be saying, “Okay bozo that sounds pretty simple and now I’m questioning whether I should have read this article.” Well it’s not simple for me, dear reader! Let me break this down a bit further:

1. Weather the storm – Here’s where I agree with my friend. In tantrum mode no amount of logical discourse will stop your child from shot-putting the udon noodle into your crotch. There’s go to be a period where you’ll wear it, but in my experience staying calm helps the moment pass quicker
2. Be nice! – This MF’er is tough. It’s my instinct to go complete Ted Sturdivant “Dissing your Dog,” when I see my child go into ridiculous mode. Unfortunately, biting facetiousness tends to be lost on a 1.5 year old. Amping up the anger level on your side is typically unhelpful as if your child is anything like mine, they’ll absorb your anger like a supervillain stealing your powers to become 26 lbs of molten rage. Here’s where your personal mental health comes in: When this tantrum ends, and it will, you’re amped up, angry and on the way to ruining a delightful Saturday that may or may not have involved apple-picking (it did). 
3. Use the Charm – Your children love you and find you entertaining, even if they appear to hate you in that moment. I can’t tell you how many times putting something unexpected on my head – napkin, chicken-nugget, another child – has gotten me out of a tough spot (it works just as well in court. Trust me and try it). Remember that this advice is linear, in that some time will be spent weathering the storm and being nice before it’s even possible for the charm to be effective. 

It really is simple, but for me, it’s not simple to stay calm in the moment and not feel incredibly self-conscious about my child’s behavior in public (that ball of insecurity seems like a great topic for another article).

I find these tips speed the time from tantrum beginning to “dad’s nuts are safe from projectiles again.”  I hope they work for you as well! Feel free to throw your own tips for children’s meltdowns in the comments.