Have you ever been in this situation:
You were bold. You decided to take the family to a high-end establishment like Chili’s or Longhorn Steakhouse. You hadn’t been “out” in a few weeks and goddamn you want to pop on a polo and remind that society that you have the means to pay for an ultimate marg.
You confidently escort the children to the car, ready to feast on the best the fare the Darden Restaurant Group has to offer. And then the screaming starts. ‘No, not today you say. Not while I’m wearing my polo.’ But outlet-procured pique cotton be damned, these SOBs just keep screaming. They scream as you pull into the strip-mall, they scream when you take them out of the car and they scream when you consider the Chili’s To-Go entrance before you say ‘fuck it I didn’t put my salmon polo on to eat paper thin chips (that are no longer warm from the oven) and tomato can run-off salsa at my own kitchen table.’
Guess what? They’re still screaming as you sit down, despite the best efforts of two snack bars and a phalanx of now-disfigured but uneaten goldfish. Whatevs. You get screamed at all the time…but now THEY are looking. And what’s that face? Is that judgment? Check the polo bruh, you don’t judge me. I judge your cargo jean shorts. But soon enough the gazpacho in your veins has turned into a tomato bisque that you left on the stove and forgot about because you bet the Brewers live line and goddamn Williams it is going to blow the save…and they’re still screaming. What’s the play here? Go home? Take one or both kids to the car while your spouse inhales what looks to be a FANTASTIC southwest salad? Cry? At least they’ll stop staring if you cry.
Are there mitigation strategies? Why yes there are. Maybe not for your screaming kids but definitely for how you deal with the world at large when those kids are screaming.
People that judge your parenting in public are idiots – You’re a good parent and you’re trying your best. Imagine eyeballing a parent that’s dining with uncooperative kids and feeling any emotion other than sympathy. If you’re anything like me, you can’t. It doesn’t take a ton of empathy to feel for people ostensibly in your situation who are struggling in a way you would. If someone doesn’t have the empathy to put themselves in your shoes, they’re either having a bad day or they’re a bad person. Pay them no mind. They don’t matter at all.
But really, no one cares – Follow my logic above and you’ve come to the conclusion that outside of the occasional jabroni, most people are pretty sympathetic to your situation. They really don’t care that your kid is screaming, because they’ve been there before and feel your pain. In fact, they’re rooting for the Titanic to finally miss the iceberg. They don’t want to freeze and sink to the depths. They want the sizzle of a Chili’s Max & Match Fajita ™ to warm Leo’s core until the Carpathia shows up. Almost everyone is on your side, so act accordingly…
Don’t let perceived dickishness turn into anger – Despite the fact that I’m writing this article, in this situation, I allow pride to get in the way of good parenting. If most people don’t care about your misbehaving children and if the ones that don’t matter, then why am I getting embarrassed and angry? Why am I allowing that anger to affect how I parent my children?
If you accept the premises underlying my first two points, then you may as well be in your living room when your child bludgeons your other child with the top of the tortilla warmer. While you’d certainly parent your child in that situation, there wouldn’t be underlying embarrassment or rising anger.
You’re doing your best and you deserve an occasional night out. Don’t be a dumb dumb like me an extrapolate a glance from a fellow diner into a reason to fell like you’re failing as a parent.
And remember, if all else fails the TVs in the bar aren’t just for Chili’s drunks. A few minutes of World’s Strongest Man can occupy the most unruly children.
Chris Jordan