While that’s a mild exaggeration, we can all agree that no parent has ever actually got their kids to bed on time. It’s okay and it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s a perfect night with your kids. You’re all having fun, they’re being cute, you’re playing a game you could easily win that you will end up just barely losing, or they ask you so sweetly to read one more book or watch one more episode. Time stands still and slips away at the same time. Pure joy. This is why we have children.
Then sometimes you’re tired and the kids are being a-holes and it’s time to get them to sleep ASAP so you and the wife can sit on the couch because you need a little time to unwind before bed and watch-your-current-show-oh-wait-I-passed-out-before-I-could-Skip-the-Intro.
With that in mind, here are some tips to help you manage the bedtime and morning routine:
Lay pajamas out during the day, clothes for the morning – When my kids go up to their rooms to get ready for bed, those PJs are waiting for them. When those PJs get put on, we pick out the clothes for the next day and put them in the same spot. You like baseball? My dad never took me to the ballyard, but we call that spot “on deck”. If you want to get real weird, you could even start an “in the hole” spot.
Potty before bed: DELAY, DELAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN – In an ideal world, our diaperless toddlers last pee drop falls into the toilet and they have just enough energy to flush, wash, and stumble back to bed where they sleep soundly for 10+ hours. That’s not how it always happens. It’s a brave new world sleeping through the night with no diapers and accidents happen, so just try to manage. On that note…
Please god make sure you have diapers, wipes, change of clothes, extra sheets within pissing distance – in case of any overnight accidents, you don’t want to be searching the house for extra diapers or wipes. Or God forbid you’re out of wipes and you have to wipe your kid’s ass with regular toilet paper and drive to a 24-hr CVS to get diapers.
Cut off water an hour before bed – Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi. This one seems so obvious, but it took us a while to figure it out. Just cut off all liquid intake an hour before bed. We actually let our kids have a little sip of water right before bed after brushing their teeth. But I am filling that dixie cup and I am watching like a hawk.
The kids listen to Simon way better than Dad – Simon says get your pjs on, Simon says brush your teeth, Simon says go potty, Simon says get in bed. Congrats you win. Good night kiddos. Simon’s going to get a glass of wine.
Prep coffee the night before – no matter what kind of sleep you got the night before, it’s much easier to press a button in the morning than it is to try and fill up 8 cups of water, replace a filter and scoop several spoons of coffee grounds with one arm, while the other is holding a 9-month old that is slowly slipping down your torso. And don’t forget about your 4-year old who is tugging at your leg asking you all kinds of questions. Pro tip: When you inevitably get woken up by the kids too early, go turn on that coffee maker before getting them out of bed. And if you like bacon in the morning, do the same prep work with your Foreman grill, but be careful out there.
Chris Jordan 
Anthony Guerreso 