How To Run Out the Clock: Tips for Dads on the Days You Don’t Have Your A-Game

There are days when you achieve peak dad.  I’m not exactly sure how to define it, but like the eye test in football, you know it when you see it.  Maybe it’s because you didn’t wake up the night before needing to take a leak (this is normal for mid-to-late 30 somethings, right?).  Maybe it’s because you woke up to discover you snagged Cooper Rush off waivers despite woefully underbidding on him.  Or, maybe it’s because you woke up to an email from your boss saying your staff meeting has been canceled this week.

Whatever the reason, some days you just put on a show that any All-Star, hands on, proactive, patient dad would envy. Those days are great.

This is not a blog about those days.

This is a blog about the days when you’re trying to survive the day.  Hell, maybe even the hour or the minute.  These days:

Because on these days, every seemingly innocent, childlike thing your kid does is annoying, a distraction, or – simply because it’s some thing other than sleeping – just plain inconsiderate to you.  This is about THOSE days, and how to run out the clock.  It could be because you were overserved the night before.  Either way, this is to all you parents on how to maximize your basic parental duties while minimizing effort (and guilt).

I got back from my buddy’s wedding the other weekend.  We had a grand ole time celebrating the bride and groom until about midnight when my wife and I needed to leave the after party to go relieve the sitter.  After the uber home, some late night snacking, and five hours of sleep, our 1-year old made sure to notify us that she’s not only awake, but is wanting to attack the day with an energy unknown to mankind.

Here’s how I survived that day:

1. I started by putting one of these hydration pouchesin a big glass of water.  Ideally, you drank responsibly and moderately the night before.  But we don’t live in an ideal world.  And, in such cases, I highly recommend starting things off with this guy.
2. Next, I find that my child is significantly calmer when she’s outside.  This may or may not be true of your child, but especially in the mornings, I often take her outside and just look at the birds or point to the clouds and look for planes.  So, find a comfortable chair, bring a snack with you, and …  just … sit outside.  I’ve been surprised at how peaceful this can be and how attentive they are for long stretches.  If they start to wiggle around, just hold them down because even in your feeble state you should still be able to overpower them.  I did this for about two hours.  (Ok; that part’s a joke; don’t restrain your child.  But you get the idea).
3. Next, after the 3-year-old got up, we loaded the kids in the car and drove to (drumroll please!) … nowhere.  This might be my favorite tip of all.  It’s also the worst one for the environment.  But unless you’re trying to transform your home into a certified B-corp, I suggest you not worry so much about that.  At least not on days like this.  You get some water and snacks, hop in the car, and just … drive.  It’s a fantastic use of time.  We listen to “Maddie’s Jams” on Spotify, while Mom and Dad point out dump trucks, or fire trucks, or the man asking for change on the street corner.
4. Watch TV.  Now, this one might seem obvious especially if TV is already a heavy part of your child’s diet.  But the good thing about television is it rarely stops being appealing.  So you should be fine.  And if TV isnt a staple, well then this is a great chance to introduce a new movie, sit back, and relax.
5. Go to the park and sit on the bench.  (You might notice sitting is a key component of all this).  If your child isn’t of age where they can play by themselves alone at the park, then you have two options: 1) push your child in the swing (mine could do this forever it seems), or 2) don’t go to the park.  Note: days like this aren’t about advancing their gross motor skills, they’re about minimizing your caloric output while simultaneously keeping your child alive.

If all goes to plan, you’ve successfully made it to afternoon nap time, which is a holy, holy period.  And, as you, yourself, crawl under a blanket and rue your decisions from the night before, hopefully you’re able to rest up for … the next awake period.

Good luck, god speed, and cheers to your next night ahead.

P.s. Here are a few other tips I’ve found helpful to run out the clock in these kinds of situations:

• FaceTime a family member.  My kids love doing this and it all it requires you to do is hold a phone.  I recommend holding it horizontally such that more fits in the frame, enabling you to move less.
• Play with Play-doh.  This typically is an activity that involves sitting in a chair, forming clay into things, and lasts for long periods of time.
• Play a game where you pretend to be asleep on the couch.  That’s it.  My 3-year-old loves it and for whatever reason I’ve trained her that the only way I can be awoken from my slumber is with a kiss.  So not only is it adorable, but it also allows you to sort of sleep, too.