Tips and strategies for dealing with a defiant child…
Apparently, according to my daughter, when you turn 5, you get to make the rules. She’s told me this and expects me to comply when in 45 or so days, she hits the rule-making age. And she can already see the finish line, so she’s begun to exert decision making control, stomping her tiny feet, raising her tiny voice and waving her tiny fist at me like a tiny 85 year old, in her tiny driveway, getting the tiny paper in tiny whitie-tighties, yelling at a tiny driver speeding around the cul-de-sac. God forbid I laugh at this hilarity, because then we’re in a come at me bro scenario, where her blood boils and the Mariah Carey-octave scream comes out.
Despite the fact that, in my daughter’s mind, I legally don’t get to make the rules after she’s 5, I still think I should still act as if I’m the parent and yes, the rulemaking will be in my purview for at least a decade and a half (and more if you want me to pay your cell phone bill). How do I deal with this type of frequent defiance (which is strictly home-based and leaves her body when she crosses the threshold of the school building, which is something I hear from so, so many parents)? Well, I’m going to give you a few tips of my own, mixed in with some sage advice from a couple of our friends (links below).
Not Everything is Defiance – This is a tough one for me, especially when I’m tired. Just because your child doesn’t acquiesce to your demands, doesn’t mean they’re openly trying to defy you. I like the concept of the ladder of inference and I try not to jump up a rung without adequate data, but I’m frequently thinking my daughter just doesn’t want to listen, when there’s probably another reason for her arguing. I often question instructions without being defiant, so why wouldn’t my 5 year old? Ideally you’re raising an inquisitive little guy or girl that can question respectfully and advocate for themselves when necessary.
Talk Through the Frustration – Why aren’t you listening to me? Is there something else you need to do right now that’s stopping you from doing X? You seem like you don’t want to do X, can you tell me why? Each of these questions has at least started a conversation which led to compliance. Like most other humans, feeling heard can make a huge difference in attitude. The response I get to those questions above normally makes little to no sense, but the conversation has begun, at which point I can normally work towards getting things moving in the right direction.
Redirect. Redirect. Redirect. – “You don’t want to brush your teeth right now? Cool. I’m going to go brush my teeth and you can try out mommy’s floss.” “You don’t want to clean up your toys? No problem, help me use the vacuum on the pile of headless teddy grahams under your brother’s chair.” Oftentimes, ANYTHING other than what I actually want/need done will get a yes. At the very least, I’ve bought time and potentially future compliance.
Sometimes You’re Being Unreasonable – I frequently find myself floating above my body, looking at my parenting and wondering what the hell I’m doing. I often have unreasonable expectations about how a 5 and 2 year old should act in situations that many adults struggle with. I also react unreasonably when they’re acting quite reasonable given the situations I’ve put them in.
^^^My daughter, to me.
We’ve been in this store for 45 minutes and my daughter, who’s been dutifully following and likely got her 10k steps in, is now starting to act up? Somehow I’m shocked at this. This is the reason my grade school coach wouldn’t put me at center regardless of how many times I asked: You need to put your players in positions to succeed. 5 year old in a store for an hour. 2 year old sitting still at lunch/dinner for even 30 minutes. 39 year old hanging out with neighbor “friends” that invite themselves over. All are powderkegs waiting to explode. I mean what even is a powderkeg. Just don’t fill the keg with powder, man.
Only Credible Threats Please – No, not even your 5 year old believes you’re not going to grandma’s if they don’t behave. Grandma has already cooked the ham, she’s made the apps. For god’s sake you’re bringing a cake. What are you going to do with the cake if you don’t go to grandma’s? I’ve actually seen my daughter smile when I made a less than believable threat about her not going to gymnastics. She knows I like to sit in the observation area and read. I’m not giving that up because she won’t bring her plate to the sink. So if you’re threatening, you’re going to have to follow-through (ideally with something low stakes), if you want your child to believe that their behavior actually has consequences. That’s much harder than I thought it would be, but I suppose that’s parenting.
If You’re Trying to Correct the Bad, You’ve Got to Reward the Good – I often find myself so concerned about correcting bad behavior (especially in public), that I miss applying the positive reinforcement in situations where it’s warranted. You just really, really, really don’t want your kid to be the asshole, so you’re sensitive to course correcting when they go that direction, but maybe we should be giving more attaboy/girls when they’re NOT being the asshole. There’s nothing better than the smile when your child knows you’re proud of them (except a backdoor cover when you were certain you’d just emptied your fanduel account. That’s definitely better but it’s at least close)
Let Them Run the Show When You Can – If you spend your days dictating, don’t be surprised when your kid yells “Viva La Revolucion,” and tries to slide a lego sword through your ribcage. Providing a bit of autonomy where possible gives you much more latitude to make demands. “Yes, I need you to do this right now, but remember I let you get dressed by yourself, brush your hair and teeth and complete my 2021 tax return.” FInd some age appropriate activities that they can take on themselves, help them build some confidence and get some leverage the next time you need a favor.
I really enjoyed the articles below and each contains many more interesting tips not found here. Give them a look!
Baby Center – Defiance, Why It happens and what to do about it Very Well Family – How to Handle Defiant Children
Chris Jordan