This is the first in a dueling “Tips for going from 1 kid to 2 kids” article contest, between myself fellow Dad Tips Writer Chris Jordan. We’ll drop Chris’s version in a couple days.
“Yes, I’m excited. Of course I’m excited. My spouse and I are adding another member to the team. But there’s also a little bit of fear. There’s a little bit of apprehension. Actually there’s a lot a bit of fear and apprehension. I’ve definitely forgotten almost everything about the first child and the early days and weeks after they were born. I’m older now, I have less energy, I’ve become more crotchety. This is a terrible idea right? There’s no way I agreed to this. Did someone trick me? Can I send it back?”
I very clearly remember this mostly-joking conversation with myself. I was (and in some ways remain) terrified. I had a good idea that things would work out, but I had a ton of anxiety about my new reality. Like most changes to your reality, the only thing you can really do is make the best of the new situation and I certainly did that. However that didn’t lessen the anxiety. I found it helpful to put together a list of things that I could do to smooth the transition from 1 to 2. This is that crazy person’s list. Hopefully it’s helpful for you as well!
- Prep your first child: Have a talk with your first child about their new sibling and involve them in the preparation process. Expect and anticipate push-back. Expect a “Why?” question. FYI “Mom and I had a tasty Rioja and got jazzed up by a couple sexy scenes from game of thrones and the rest is history,” is NOT a legitimate answer for your child. The good news is that as long as the new guy/gal is in the womb, your current not-in-the-womb child won’t care because they’re not yet taking attention away.
- Maintain a routine: This is definitely easier said than done. Your new child is waking up every 3 hours for the first couple months and pulling at the threads of your sanity sweater until it’s a pile of Merino wool threads on your bedroom floor. That said, nap and bedtime schedules shouldn’t need to change for your first child. Hopefully they’re a sound sleeper and hopefully this level of normalcy will keep things consistent enough.
- Plan for help: Don’t be afraid to reach out to family and friends for help with your first child while you adjust to the new baby. For the lucky ones among us, family will descend on your home to be of help when your child comes. That’s extremely helpful, even if it’s just that’s giving you an hour nap or taking your first child so you can focus on the new guy/gal. Unfortunately they’ll take this closeness to mean that they can pop in any time they want for years to come regardless of the face you make when you see them at the door. For those who have friends/family in the area, don’t be afraid to ask for help. You don’t want to seem weak, but I think you’ll be surprised how people will show up for you when you ask for help. It can be as simple as taking your first child for a walk so you can straighten up the house while your new baby sleeps.
- Get organized: Making a list, to at least appear organized, always helps with anxiety in preparing for something important. Hopefully you saved the bibs, wubbanubs, baby toys, noise canceling headphones and all the other baby essentials. It’s time to dig them out and get them where you want them. Here’s a good list from The Bump if you need a refresher.
- Prioritize self-care: Remember self-care, deep in your past, when there was time to do anything, literally anything, without a child in tow? While self-care this may not seem like a priority, it’s also absolutely essential that you don’t go clinically insane. In the first few months, this isn’t going to be easy, so if you have the ability to tap friends/family for help, that’s the time to use it. The tag in/out strategy worked really well for my wife and I. One parent takes both kids, the other gets an hour off and alternate until both parents aren’t crazy. Here’s some additional info on this topic.
Live shot of me employing the “tag in” method:
- Be flexible: Be open to changes and adjust your expectations as needed.The worst thing you can do is go in with a plan, see that plan fail spectacularly and then be too stubborn to change. That plan may be based on how your first child did X, Y and Z. Parents of multiple children will tell you how mind bogglingly different your children can be. Different children, different needs, different plans. Treating your children exactly the same in all ways is a “good in theory, bad in practice” idea. People are different, so are kids, act accordingly.
- Bond with your first child: You and your spouse will both need to peel off and spend quality, one-on-one time with your first child. Depending on if you’re a baby person, or not a baby person, this peel-off might become your favorite part of the day (can you tell if I’m a baby person?). Your first child will definitely appreciate it, as you’re going to spend most of your waking, semi-waking and non-waking hours with the baby and they’ll notice.
- Try not to be so mad: I wrote this bullet for myself. Every single mildly-contentious conversation you’ve had with your spouse will be amped up 1000% with a screaming baby in the background. That same conversation is amped up 10000% if your first child is screaming at you WHILE your baby is screaming. But you’re an emotionally capable adult. You’re not going to take your short-term frustrations with your situation out on either your spouse or your children. Say those words out loud. It works, I promise.
- Celebrate milestones: Take time to acknowledge and celebrate the milestones and achievements of BOTH your children. While you’re celebrating rolling-over, laughing or a 2 month birthday for your new child, what types of things can you celebrate with your first child? World record speed going from the front door to the second floor bathroom and back? That’s something to celebrate! It’s not hard to come up with things to celebrate. Plus, your 5 year old is unfamiliar with how world records are verified.
For those who have been there before, what other advice do you give to those that are about to expand their families? Here some additional advice for trusted sources:
Chris Jordan